Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid...Part I

The Man Capris are coming, the Man Capris are coming!

I'm playing the role of a 21st Century Paul Revere here. If my observations in the past two years or so are any indication then men's fashion in the States is about to be besieged by the awful half pants, half shorts I like to refer to as "man capris".

I first spotted man capris in Lenox Mall in Atlanta about 20-25 months ago. At first I thought there must be a convention of clam diggers in town. There's always some crazy convention going on in Atlanta, so clam diggers didn't really seem so far fetched at the time. I mean, why else would any self respecting man wear pants that stop halfway between the tops of his feet and the bottom of his knees? It just doesn't make any sense. But as I continued to see more and more of these "pants" I surmised the wearer's weren't clam diggers at all. Instead they were far more sinister. They were Europeans. You can imagine my horror when I realized that not only was Atlanta being overrun by men wearing half pants but that the attackers were also from across the pond.

Luckily, the numbers of the man capri wearers in the ATL never really took off. I thought to myself, "whew...we dodged a bullet there". But then, in the fall of 2005, Cece and I journeyed to London and Paris for a little vacation. The man capris were once again on display. This time the numbers were multiplied. They were everywhere. Men ranging in age from their teens to the early thirties were sporting them. Again, I stood by in shock as I thought about a world overrun by people in these pants. But I made it through that trip, mainly because I knew in my heart that surely those pants would die a slow and painful death in Europe and never really make an impact elsewhere. Boy, was I wrong.

Upon landing in Auckland last month I could feel something in the air. At first I just thought it was the odd feeling of the Southern Hemisphere oxygen. It was so clean and pure. But as we ventured out into the city I realized I was again about to be besieged by images of men wearing capris. They were everywhere. My terror increased when I heard the voices of those who would try and conquer us. They weren't just speaking French, Italian, and German (nationalities known for bad taste in men's fashion). I heard Aussie and Kiwi accents coming from the man capri nation. I was devastated. I had so much hope for the Australians and New Zealanders. I thought they could escape the influence of the Evil Empire (Europe). Unfortunately, the claws of deceit and bad fashion have imbedded themselves down here and the man capris are everywhere. Walking by stores you can see racks and racks of them, in all colors and sizes. I see kids wearing them. I see teenagers wearing them. I see old men wearing them. I am afraid. I am afraid for the generations of boys and men who will grow up wearing these awful things, thinking they look good. I am afraid for the poor girls and women who must date and eventually marry these "chick pant" wearing guys. But most of all, I am afraid for America.

So I put it to all of the men out there reading this: if you see a pair of man capris in a store, walk away. If you see a friend wearing them, kindly tell him to put on a pair of real pants or start looking for new friends. If you wife or girlfriend buys you a pair, tell her to please leave the chick pants to the chicks. And please, don't scoff at this post. The man capris are out there. They've overtaken most of the world and they'll be heading to the States soon. Be vigilant and be strong.